Imminent
Oxfordshire League Cup Final by
Patrick Moss
Unconfirmed reports are
coming in from the sleepy hamlet of Ducklington,
home to the leviathans of Oxfordshire Chess,
Witney Chess Club. They suggest some strange
goings-on are afoot. The reason: the imminent
clash in the Frank Wood Shield Oxfordshire Cup
Final of the club’s top teams, known
intriguingly as Witney 1 and Witney 2.
The village pond with The Old School
House and St Bartholomew's Church
It is a true David and
Goliath clash. Witney 1 boast the oak-panelled
playing boards and Grandmaster power of true
professionals - and, some say, a retinue of
trainers and helpers. The latter are thought to
be employed to bring the notoriously fickle and
temperamental 1st Team players nectar, quail
eggs and locally-caught trout to the board
during matches, seated atop velvet cushions
stuffed with pure unicorn hair. This is
strenuously denied by 1st Team Captain, Mike
Truran – ‘I’ve never seen a quail egg,’ he
declared, though he admitted plans were quite
advanced for the team to arrive at the fixture
in an ornate carriage pulled by swans. Witney
1’s prowess at the board is, however,
undisputable, and this week they secured the
Oxfordshire 1st Division title for the second
year in succession. Some of their players are
known to be so strong that they occasionally
forsake physical form during the most intense
encounters, existing only as orbs of omniscient
light - a fact not lost on the canny club
Treasurer, who uses it as an excuse to save
money on fluorescent lighting in the village
hall.
Witney 2, meanwhile, make no
secret of their humble origins, with many of
their players having learned the rules of the
game-of-64-squares down local mines or while hod-carrying
at the nearby furnaces of Minster Lovell. The
likeable chaps – known for their cheeky smiles,
sporting nature and bohemian dress sense – are
the citizens’ favourites and poster boys of the
quiet Oxfordshire hamlet, but they are clever
enough to know that this alone will not be save
them from a brutal fate when the two teams
clash.
Rumours
of Witney 2’s secretive programme of
self-advancement and use of codenames before the
final make for fascinating reading. Their
Captain, known only as ‘AG’, is thought to be
the brains behind the intensive hot-housing of
the team’s players. He has rented a Ducklington
nightclub during the day to house an array of
chess experts and coaches to finesse his
players’ oft-clumsy play into something more
refined. Board 3, the mysterious ‘HS’, has been
assigned espionage duties to infiltrate the
Witney 1 camp, though his initial forays are
understood to have yielded little of
intelligence value – though he was able to
confirm the rumour about quail eggs. Board 4,
‘Canary D’, has written to Delia Smith, patron
of his much-loved Norwich City FC, cheekily
asking for approval to hold victory celebrations
at Carrow Road. Board 5, ‘The PM’, is using
modern technology to research vast chess
databases to find a weakness in Grandmaster
Wells’ armour – though he reports progress as
‘quite hard to quantify, but in a word,
nothing’. Board 6 and team talisman, ‘Wild
Western’, is expected to symbolise the team’s
assault by adjusting his normal meek and
unassuming tactics to something more aggressive.
With the date for the grand
final yet to be confirmed, Witney 1’s confidence
remains supreme… and only time will tell if the
battling brave-hearts of Witney 2 can yet
surprise the top team and bring a fairytale
ending to South West Oxfordshire.
Either way, it is sure to
mark the end of another successful season for
the 2012 ECF Club of the Year.
10 March 2013.
The final is due to be played
before 10 May 2013.
Secret Film of Witney 1 and 2's Training Methods by
Mark Hannon
After Patrick's great preview
of the Frank Wood Shield Final above, a mole can
reveal film of the secret training methods of
the 2 captains.
The film
shows the light haired 1st Team Captain using
training methods developed by the Soviet School
of Chess. I minute 30 seconds in to the video
you can see the machine which improves Elo
rating with every blow.
While the 2nd team captain is
shown running through the freezing Windrush and
dragging a horse out of the snow in an attempt
to improve his teams ability at handling
knights.
Both captains clearly
appreciate the importance of physical condition
to good chess.
Rumours
of Witney 2’s secretive programme of
self-advancement and use of codenames before the
final make for fascinating reading. Their
Captain, known only as ‘AG’, is thought to be
the brains behind the intensive hot-housing of
the team’s players. He has rented a Ducklington
nightclub during the day to house an array of
chess experts and coaches to finesse his
players’ oft-clumsy play into something more
refined. Board 3, the mysterious ‘HS’, has been
assigned espionage duties to infiltrate the
Witney 1 camp, though his initial forays are
understood to have yielded little of
intelligence value – though he was able to
confirm the rumour about quail eggs. Board 4,
‘Canary D’, has written to Delia Smith, patron
of his much-loved Norwich City FC, cheekily
asking for approval to hold victory celebrations
at Carrow Road. Board 5, ‘The PM’, is using
modern technology to research vast chess
databases to find a weakness in Grandmaster
Wells’ armour – though he reports progress as
‘quite hard to quantify, but in a word,
nothing’. Board 6 and team talisman, ‘Wild
Western’, is expected to symbolise the team’s
assault by adjusting his normal meek and
unassuming tactics to something more aggressive.